They Made a Funny!

The April Fools celebration has ended and the winners chosen and emailed! First off here was the method behind it all: Carol and I originally pick the top best answers and forwarded it to the authors/bloggers without the names. They then picked their favorite which was the winner. However due to the time constraint we ask some of the authors to pick their favorite from the entire list given to them via links to their designated contests. And the people have spoken and here are the winners!

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Winner for Amanda Ashby's book choice of YOU HAD ME AT HALO or ZOMBIE QUEEN the winner was...

Sarah Ockler said...
Personally I'd go for the left butt cheek (the right ones tend to be too tough) sauteed in a port-intestinal fluid redux and sprinkled with nose hair (quite a delicacy in some parts of the world - if you've never had it, oh, you must! It's to die for!).

You could also get creative with the various appendages sampler platter as a nice appetizer, but really there's enough there to share, so unless you're big on fingers and toes, bring a zombie mate to divvy up the digits.

To complete the meal, go for a palate-cleansing spinal fluid sorbet followed by heel cupcakes smothered in a velvety eye jelly ganache.

Shirt and shoes required; arms and feet optional.

Special notice: we don't serve children here, but if you bring your own, the chef can sautee them for you for an additional gratuity.

Bon appetite!

So frolicking sounds fun? I think so, but I don't think the winner of Kristin Walker's book A MATCH MADE IN HIGH SCHOOL does...

Trina Sotira said...
True story. My husband and I spent our honeymoon in Jamaica where it took me a week to get the nerve to visit a nude beach. (Remember, I was confident, young, and thin.) When we arrived, I was in complete shock seeing a man in his eighties with his frank and beans nestled between his legs--sunning, I presume. Obviously, I the opportunity to view old-man-balls had never occurred before. I witnessed first-hand the effects of gravity as one progresses in years. Needless to say, I am still traumatized. Other people's nude just isn't pretty, folks. Beans belong behind boxers.

Wait! Kristin donated a surprise second copy for the runner up...

Pissenlit said...
It depends. Will there be hungry hungry hippos? If not, then I prefer nude bocce ball.

Guess what else Pissenlit won!? A copy of C.K. Kelly's book I KNOW IT'S OVER

Don't be daft! We do not discuss this in committee! This is not a democracy!

*breaks into song*
For I am a Cereal King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Cereal King!
For I am a Cereal King!

cereal cartoon chorus:
You are!
Hurrah for our Cereal King!

The winner of Cindy Pon's book SILVER PHOENIX is...

dissectingperfection said...
My clown name is Talulah Sparklethighs!!!

... wait, no, my bad. That's my stripper name.

My real clown name is Morbid Moosalezzerina. It's okay, most kids have issues pronouncing my last name. It's why I'm so unpopular at the parties.

*walks away morosely*

There were also winners for Cindy's bookmarks and they were...
from my blog:
vickie
laina
popin
kate

from Carol's blog:
michelle kuo
lalalaland
book spot

Author of TWENTY BOY SUMMER was humored by...

Diana Dang said...
I'm the Vegetater! Now one must ask, what the heck kind of name is that?? You see, my secret technique is throwing vegetables at my opponent! If they try to attack me, I would shove a bunch of carrots and celery down their throat! ...It's a healthy attack okay!

or maybe it was this one that won her over?:

I fought against the Hypnotizer. It really sucked because all I had with me was cabbage and some tomatoes. Before I could raise up for my veggies to throw at the guy, he hypnotizes me! Like, unfair dude, unfair! Then all he had to do was to tell me to forfeit and I did! I came home crying and indulging myself with cucumbers.

Swags are awesome and the winner of Mandy Hubbard's LIPGLOSS was...

Diana Dang said...
How could you not kill Edward out of all sparkling vampires???

I was charged for doing spitballs at annoying kids and attempted murder. Like honestly, how could you not when they run around, singing perverse songs that they could not even understand?? The fact that they try to make a show of it was hair-wrenching! I was ready to take a bat and clobber them all when they went, "Let's play a love game!". Sadly, a cop saw me when I was lying to them that jumping off the roof would make them superheroes.

Zoom zoom zoom...Sarah Quigley has spoken! The winner of her prize pack is...

Michelle Kuo said...
So far I've only been to 3 galaxies, (with my parents struggling in this tough economy.. The problem is affecting the universe!). Way too poor to go to another one. Anyways, the first one I went to was Ocat Galaxy. Ocat Galaxy was really odd, there were floating tacos everywhere. And the worst part was that none of them even had any brains! The closest thing to brains that they have is ground beef. Which is horrible for my species' digestion. It only leads to heartburn I tell you! But it was alright, because when we went there we were smart enough to bring some Pepto-Bismol. The second one I went to was the Brain Galaxy. Pretty self-explanatory of what was there. Little brains, big brains. Juicy brains, dry brains. Smart brains, stupid brains. Old brains, new brains. (I'm SO becoming the next Dr. Seuss!) That galaxy was complete heaven for me. The last one I went to was the Milky Way Galaxy, where the Earth is. I have to say, humans have THEE most delicious brains I've ever tasted, except for this one brain at Brain Galaxy. I just hate how the second your UFO starts to fly down, the humans start getting all freaked out! It's so annoying. Everyone pulls out their camera and starts taking picture. Seriously, the flash hurts our eyes! I'd appreciate it if everyone would turn their stupid flash off.

JESSICA'S GUIDE TO DATING ON THE DARK SIDE was won by...

H said...
The worst thing I've done during an interrogation involved the soundtrack to Annie, a plate of cookies harder than brick (scientifically tested), and a squirrel. For my own anonymity I can say no more ;)

Sydney Salter was swooned over by...

dissectingperfection said...
Oh, I know this one. I have it all right here in my great-great-grandmother's journal. *Flip, flip, flip* Yep, here it is. It's really quite simple. First, ye must harvest the milk of three Pashmina goats on a midsummer's night, and then mix it with the blood of five virgins. Be sure that they are pure of heart, mind, body and soul. Then boil the mixture, adding to it the eyes of five swans, along with the crown of a peacock's head. Once the mixture has reached a fine consistency, drink it on the night of a full moon with...

Oooookay, you know what? That's enough of that. Why don't we just stick to eating our vegetables and drinking our fluids, and I'll just go burn this thing... or something. Forget I said anything.

Kristi felt the most connection from the winner of THE DIAMONDS who was...

Michelle Kuo said...
One day I was in my bedroom when this maaaaaaaagical birdie pops outta nowhere! It talked too! It said, "You suck." WELL! I was so very flabbergasted by this litto birdie's crude language. But I was tired, and went to bed, forgetting about that bird bully. But then in the morning, when I woke up, I felt cold. REALLY cold. I get up and fall over. I look down, because I know I'm clumsy, but still! AHHH, my clothes are gone, my hair is extremely long, I have this long fin as my feet! AND IT WAS PINK! Ew! Then that magical birdie pops up again. I yell at it and it POOFS me right into the ocean! I start freaking out, because at home, at least my hair would cover my boobs. But in the water, my hair just floats everywhere! GAHH! Bright side was, Nemo looked delicious :) Plus, it was practically an endless supply of shark fin soup.

The winner of Khy's book, a choice of THE GOLDEN GIRLS or THE ONE was...

the epic rat said...
Wow, my first pet that I ate? It seems so long ago, but I have long since gotten over the embarrassment and have relished my breakfast ever since! Forget having sunny-side-up eggs and bacon - why not little baby chicks? I couldn't help it - they were so cute and adorable and I wondered if they were as tasty as eggs since I love eggs!

So I chased after the baby chick one morning when no one else was around. I decided against frying it and swallow it alive! Probably not the bestest of idea - I thought I might puncture my esophagus or it'd get stuck! But surprisingly, it went down fairly easily. A little wiggling, but nothing that made me upchuck.

Since then, I've dined on small, live pets that are swallowable. Delicious! :)

Last but not least, the winner for Kelsey's book, PERFECT CHEMISTRY or BEAUTIFUL AMERICANS was...

booksarelife said...
Well, first off I don't like revealing my secrets. I have them for a reason, and have several mysteries involving my food - but I will let you in on one.

I love serving Anchovies. They are the forgotten fish. They are nice and salty, and with just a little tang.

I dont chop them up, I just toss them in whenever I feel the need. Salads, lasagnia, Burgers, all of these things have had a whole fish in them before.

Caseroles (though I think they are overated) are the best places to put my anchovies...and all of my other secret surprises...but those could put the FDA on my tail...and that would not be a good thing.

Serving Up Some Class

Whoops! Last minute request from Kelsey to be interviewed by Crazy Squared!

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How old where you when you become a pervy cafeteria lady?
I never even left High School. I got a job at my school right after I graduated. I've always been a okay cooker . . .

What is your degree name?
I don't have a degree. I don't think there is one. School's don't care if you can cook or not. They'll hire anyone.

Do you consider bras a side dish or a main dish?
No, you don't eat them in one, you have to cook them with something else. My favorite is an omelet. Chop them up like ham and put them in with cheese. Yummy!

Are the bra's new or used?
Both. Most are ones I buy at Goodwill though. They have more flavor if they are new. And if they haven't been washed it's the best because the sweat is still there and more tasty! I also don't like to get the ones with the wires. Too much trouble to get them prepared.

Do you have a preference between polka dots or plain ones?
I LOVE polka dot ones. Plain ones are boring. As long as they have a pattern I'm good. But I really like colors. Black and white are so boring. I love the lime green and electric blue and hot pink multi-colored ones. My favorite!

Do you serve your bra?
Me? I don't wear bras! I just eat them! Duh!

Size preference?
I like the smaller ones because they fit in the meals better. The big ones are okay, and sometimes they get more sweat on them, but they are hard to hide in meals.

How do you prepare these bras?
Dipping them in butter will work with anything, but sometimes you have to marinate them over night to taste just right. I don't like working with big ones because they aren't easy to cut. But when I do I sometimes chop them up and if I can, I put them in the blender with what they will be in.

How long does it take the janitor to take your bra off?
You can make your own assumptions on that.

What is the janitor's name?
Fisnik Bora. He's Albania. It means Noble Snow. Cool, huh?

Do you use the cups as bowls?
Off course! Whenever I can get away with it, I like to use them for mac n' cheese! I wish I could use them for soup, but they usually leak . . .

Do you prefer the strapless ones or the ones with straps?
The strapless ones are nice, but with the ones with straps you can put them in the spaghetti.

Push-ups or regular?
I like the extra padding in the push-ups. They are great in sandwiches. The other ones are good in like soup and casseroles.

What is your mystery "surprise"?
It wouldn't be a mystery if I told you, now would it?

Do you have a mole?
Mole! That's absurd! It's a beauty mark.

Why do you mix the chili and the cheese? It looks like puke, ya'know.
To hide the bras in there so the other lunch ladies don't get suspicious. Puke? That's nonsense, you probably haven't even tasted it. It's delicious.

Do you chop up the bras before serving?
Sometimes. It depends on the food I'm serving them in.

What are the calories for them?
You know? I'm not so sure. Why don't you look it up for me sometime?

Which type of students do you like to flirt with? Jock? Nerdy? Goth..etc?
Hmm....I like the nerdy ones the best. They are so inexperienced. It makes it more fun. Plus any guy who reads turns me on.

Do you serve cheap $1 store kinds or sexy Victoria Secret ones?
Victoria Secret is too expensive on my salary. But if I get a raise, I'll be sure to start buying them there. The lace gives a better crunch.

What made you serve bras?
My dog ate one of mine once when I was 14 and it looked really good. I kept it out of my mind for a few years and one time I just decided to try it. Before long all my bras were in my stomach. Then I got this job, and viola! It was "The Perfect" job.

Are you the head lunch lady or do you just dump them in the pots on the sly?
The latter.

What are the reactions from the students who get the bras?
They have no clue because they taste so goooood. And if they do know, they don't care because they do taste good, y'know.

Do you keep them in the fridge? Or your bust? I keep them in a fanny pack under my apron. It's easier to hide them and slip them in sekritly.

Do the guys use them as slingshots or do they put them on and practice taking them off?
Neither. They really like the protein. If they even tried to use them, it wouldn't work because they would get, say, chili and cheese on themselves.

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Kelsey is giving away a copy of Perfect Chemistry OR an ARC of Beautiful Americans! This is a US only giveaway!

Answer this question to be entered: What is your mystery "surprise"?

[Insert criteria blah blah]

Down and Dirty

We are wrapping things up with Sharon, the stripping cat-lady-zombie-freak person.

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Why do you strip? Is it to boost your confidence?
I strip to keep all of my zombie kittens fed. I have 101 zombie kittens and I can't afford to take care of them. So I have to dance for the money or else they will eat my brains! I like my brains and prefer that they would not be dinner for a bunch of hungry zombie kittens!

What is your favorite song to strip to? Is it Stripper by the Soho Dolls?
Yes! How did you know? Have you seen me strip before? I know you have because this is my favorite song to dance to! Yan and Carol are naughty perverts!

Did you take formal classes to work on the poles?
Yes I took pole dancing classes at Julliard. My professor was very strict. If I was even a minute late she would make me hang from the pole by my feet for an hour.

Do you like to slide up and down the pole or to hump it?
Both, but you guys already know that since you come to see me all the time! *naughty!

Lap dances or pole dances?
Well Carol prefers watching me work on the pole. Yan on the other hand loves to get lap dances from me. (EDIT from Carol: So not true. I prefer you giving me all your books or watching your zombie cats bite you. Actually, I prefer the second one :D)(EDIT for Yan: I agree with Carol!)

Do you use other accessories like fans?
Sometimes I like to dress up like a cat. I wear whiskers, ears, and a tale. I get huge tips from Alea who has a "thing" for my kitten costume.

Do you ever do the deed with your customers?
No comment! (EDIT from Carol: Yes! She likes having a foursome with Alea, Yan, and Khy!)(EDIT from Yan: We call it Poker Night Carol! Get your mind out of the gutter!)

Do you have someone else join you on stage?
Fellow ya blogger Khyrinthia loves to dance on stage with me. The costumers go crazy for a her bangs and glasses look.

Are your boobs real?
Yes! My 38 GG boobs are 100% REAL! (EDIT from Carol: *coughliarcough*)

Doesn't it hurt to crush your boobs against the pole?
Sometimes but Alea really loves that too and she gives the best tips.

Do you wax uh everything? Do you grease yourself before taking the stage?
I prefer not to shave at all it makes me cat costume more realistic. The same thing with grease. Cats are not greasy!

Do your customers follow the no-touchy rule or do they ignore it?
Most follow this rule except for a few freaks...*Shalonda *coughcough

Where do you stuff the money?
You guys know where you put the money already. Stop acting all innocent!

Do you have quickies in the storage room in between breaks?
If by quickies you mean a little fun with Yan then, yes. (EDIT: Yan has no idea what Sharon is talking about) (EDIT from Carol: Yes, Yan does know very well what Sharon is talking about. Yan is a beast when it comes to quickies. I know. I accidentally caught the two of 'em. It's a sight I'll never forget *shudders*) (EDIT from Yan: Carol is just jealous. Wait. I meant that Carol is a compulsive liar :D)

If you couldn't strip what would you do? If I couldn't strip my zombie kittens would eat my brains and I would either die and turn into a flesh eating zombie. *nomnom

Do you take house calls?
Only for special clients like Shalonda who like for things to get a little freaky.

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Sharon is also giving away a special little ARC on her blog! She didn't leave anything to give on for this April Fools week so throw some rotten tomatoes to her for me!

EDIT: Sharon found the pictures! Not I!

It's All Carol's Fault!

We eventually stopped harassing interviewing authors and moved onto the next prey person. Which was the SPECTACULAR Khy!

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What made you become a pet eater? Well, there are these two [crazy] people named Carol and Yan. I want to be just like them, so I had to start eating pets . And now, I'm in love with eating pets. I remember when I was 5 I ate a pet bird, but didn't like it, so I didn't eat any more. But then I knew I had to if I wanted to be Carol and Yan.

What was the first pet that you ate? What was it like and how did it taste?
A bird, as stated above. It tasted awful. Like all the books in the world were burned and their ashes were served as food. But maybe that was because I was only 5 at the time and didn't remove the feathers.

Do you own a pet?
Just the ones in my stomach.

When you capture them, do you treat them nicely at first and gain their trust (while plumping them up) or do you just stick them in a cage and throw scraps of food at them?
I think it is necessary to treat them nicely. I mean, they will soon be gone, so they deserve some respect. Plus, I've found that if they are happier, they taste better.

Do you use protective equipment when handling these vicious yet tasty creatures?
Never! No pet is stronger than I. Muahaha.

What do you feed your 'pets' to keep them nice and plump and juicy?
The limbs of certain people in my school who I don't like. It's an easy way to eliminate them but not have to have to dig a grave. Digging a grave can be tiring.

Do you like to suck their blood out first?
No. I like to save the blood so that I can use it to paint my nails. It's a wonderful color.

Do you skin them?
Of course. We can't waste any part of the animal. Gotta get rid of the evidence.

Do you like to keep the pelts to make a rug or fur coat?
Fur coat? Psh. Try "whole fur outfit." Where else would I get my clothes?

How do you like your pets? Broiled, grilled, or fried? What's your preferred method of cooking them?
I like to simply fry them, then blend them up so I can put them on a cake like they're frosting. Mmm.

What do you do with the bones? Do you feed them to the dog to 'fatten' him up?
I make them into bookshelves. I'm running out of bookshelves though, so I'll have to eat some more pets for the bones.

Do you have a breeding pet?
I did, but then I couldn't resist eating her. She just looked so tasty, with all those puppies in her.

Do you eat alley cats as well?
No. I can never get them clean enough. So now I send them off to find me other pets to eat. And then to reward them, I give them Carol's books to eat.

Do you prefer grandma cats or alley cats? Which ones are easier to cook?
Grandma cats FOR SURE. They cook more quickly and aren't as dirty as alley cats.

Do you like horses? If so, what's your favorite breed? How long does one horse feed you?
I've never eaten a horse. Are they any good?

What's an animal that you'd like to try one day?
Hmm....well, I guess a horse so that I could properly answer the previous question. A human sounds pretty good too.

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Khy is giving away a copy of Golden Girls by Micol Ostow OR (winner's choice) The One by Ed Dector. This giveaway if for US and Canada residents only! Sorry!

All you need to do is answer the following question: Do you prefer grandma cats or alley cats?

The winning entry will need to have creativity, execution, and by far the most important, humor. Meaning this is NOT a random giveaway. There is no limit to how much you can write or how little you need to write.

For a second chance to win, head on over to Carol's blog where you will receive a second question to answer. Please leave the answer to her question on HER blog. Only one winner will be chosen from the combined entries (meaning we will pick one winner from all the entries from both mine and her blog).

All entries (for all the giveaways) must be received, via commented or emailed, by 25th of April. Winners will be announced at the same time later that week.

Waddle, Flap, and Splash

Look! Look! We scored an awesome catch! We caught the elusive Story Siren~

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How did you become a mermaid?
I was born a siren. My sperm donor actually trained the Navy Seals in California and my grandfather was an Olympic swimmer. Water is in my blood. (Most of that is actually true!) I have a cousin that is a mermaid, but really we are two different species. Personally, I think I’m much cooler.

Were you born with your siren voice?
No. Siren’s aren’t actually born with their song, it is something we develop later. It’s a lot like going through puberty. And it sucks just as bad.

When did you find out you were a siren?
I’ve always known, my mom thought it was important that I was aware of my heritage. Although being a siren today is a lot different that what it used to be.

Whenever you get hit with water, do you grow fins and a tail?
Not at all. That’s totally a myth. I’m pretty sure mermaids don’t have that problem either. It’s all a mind over matter thing.

Has any sailors ever gotten killed by your alluring voice?
Not me personally, but you know back in the day that stuff was pretty common place for us sirens.

When you use your voice, can you get men to do anything you want?
Most of the time yes. We do have a code of conduct we have to live by. It’s not like we can just take what we want. Although that would be pretty cool! I’ve been tempted many times.

Is that how you get all those books?
No. You actually have to have physical contact for the whole siren lure to work. It must be my good looks that get me all the books.

Do you wear seashells as a bra or just cover yourself with your long hair?
Well it just depends. Like right now my hair isn’t long enough, so that’s kind of out. Don’t want the girls hanging out, if you know what I mean. And shells are like so 1000 BC. We actually like to something with a little comfort and support.

How many are there of you guys?
Unfortunately, I’m not at liberty to disclose that sort of information.

Does your hubby know about your siren voice? did you use it on him? No he doesn’t know. And of course I used it on him, how do you think I hooked such a hottie. I totally stole that from Tina Ferraro.

What's your highest pitch?
I’m not even sure if there is a note to classify it, let’s just say it makes your eardrums bleed.

Can you shatter a mirror?
Of course.

Do women fall under your siren spell?
No. But I don’t know any siren’s who swing that way. Perhaps if they were...?

Do you like to sit on rocks while you sing?
Have you ever sat on a rock? Yeah, it’s not very comfortable. I prefer soft blades of luscious grass or powdery smooth sands. The best sand is the black sand beaches! So smooth and warm.... ahhhh.

How many men have killed themselves because you wouldn't sing for them?
Yeah, another one of those things that I’m not at liberty to say. (Not that many– I didn’t say that!)

Were you the one that almost killed Telemachus?
No, that had to have been like my great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandma or something.

Do you have to train your vocals or do they just come naturally?
Most of the ability comes naturally, but it does help to train. I mean practice makes perfect.

How long do sirens live?
We aren’t immortal anymore, which is a good thing or a bad thing depending on how you look at it. We have a prolonged life period, but it isn’t long enough to be noticeable.

How old are you?
Don’t you wish I would tell! HA!

Do you have webbed feet?
Gross. No, I’m not a duck.

Are you related to Michael Phelps? What about Dana Torres?
Not Michael that I know of, but he probably carries the gene. Men don’t become sirens, but they do carry the gene. Dana on the other hand... I might have seen her around the block. But you didn’t hear that from me.

Do you dive head first into the ocean?
Well I wade out a little bit so I don’t hit my head.

Is it hard living in Indiana where there's no beach?
There are a lot of lakes in Indiana. As long as I’m in certain proximity to water I’m fine. I could never like go to Vegas out in the middle of the dessert or something like that. I have to have natural water, lake or ocean. Heck even a pond will do.

Do you pretend to swim in your bathtub?
Um, yeah. Doesn’t everyone?

Do you go to the Y at midnight to turn into a siren?
No. My Y smells funny.

Do you think that Renee being the killer in True Blood was random and came out of nowhere?
Oh my GOSH, Yes! I loved Renee and his phony Cajun accent. I’m going to have to get me some of the tapes, so I can talk Cajun too. I even though Renee was cute and sweet. Bastard.

What happens if you drink water?
It hydrates my body. Increases my circulation, helps hydrate my skin, so that I look younger. It enhances fat loss, combats ailments, reduces hunger and it makes me feel good.

What happens when Xander licks you or when your hubby kisses you?
Well when Xander licks me, I get this little itchy rash, because I think I must be allergic to his saliva or something. And when my hubby kisses me, I usually get all warm and tingly.

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Kristi is giving away an ARC of The Diamonds by Ted Micheal! This is a Canada and US only giveaway because she's broke/poor which I can sympathize with!

All you need to do is answer the following question: How did you become a mermaid?

The winning entry will need to have creativity, execution, and by far the most important, humor. Meaning this is NOT a random giveaway. There is no limit to how much you can write or how little you need to write.

For a second chance to win, head on over to Carol's blog where you will receive a second question to answer. Please leave the answer to her question on HER blog. Only one winner will be chosen from the combined entries (meaning we will pick one winner from all the entries from both mine and her blog).

All entries (for all the giveaways) must be received, via commented or emailed, by 25th of April. Winners will be announced at the same time later that week.

I'm Bringing Sexy Back

Feeling sexy? Want to feel sexy? Then call up Aphrodite aka Sydney Salter!

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What's it like being Aphrodite?
Lovely.

Why are you almost always naked?
I hate doing laundry.

So you were born from the sea?
Oh, that’s just a story all parents tell their kids to avoid talking about you-know-what. Why? What did your parents tell you? Storks? Those ugly creatures? Ew.

Why sleep with so many men?
I was head-over-heels in love, sometimes, anyway. And maybe I do have a few father issues. Quit analyzing me. It’s irritating. Why do you like the guy who sits three seats behind you in English, huh? See, it’s irritating.

What's your fascination with love?
Isn’t that what we all really want? I mean, really, have you even watched those desperate wenches on The Bachelor?

Are your sisters constantly jealous?
Their problem, not mine. Like would you blame a strawberry for tasting sweet? I simply can’t help it if I’m more beautiful.

How's it like living in Mt. Olympus?
Not as much nightlife as I’d like—I keep telling Zeus we should relocate to LA or something. Why should Paris Hilton get all the tabloid attention? That girl could never start a war with her face like my gal Helen. And hello? A girl named Paris—like have her parents not even heard about the Trojan War?

What's it like being married to a smith?
Totally lame. Hephaestus may be good with his hands, but he spent all his time making trinkets for the gods, and, yeah, me—but gifts can only get you so far. Not that I wanted his smudgy, stinking, grotesque self anywhere near me, but I had to tell my father something, you know.

Have you ever had the urge to smack Zeus in the face?
Um, yeah. And worse. I can be pretty creative, you know. I’m not just a pretty face. I’ve got brains too.

What about Hera?
No hard feelings. I did get that apple (frankly, Hera’s just not that pretty or smart) And so what if that silly little beauty contest caused a war?

Why did you have an affair with Ares?
Oh, come on. Girls like me always go for the bad boys.

Which do you prefer, your Greek name or your Roman name?
Having the star/planet Venus named for me is nice and all, but I prefer the Greek Aphrodite. It’s harder to spell.

How have you survived all these centuries?
Well, my family stories are far more interesting than anything you people have come up with. Goddesses versus Gossip Girls, I mean, really! Although, I could see myself having a fling with that Chuck Bass fellow…

Fave creature you have had a relationship with?
The more interesting question is what are they saying about me? Just tell me one little thing, please… Pan keeps ignoring my MySpace friend requests.

Is cupid your illegitimate child?
Isn’t he a cutie? Oh, my cherubic little sweetie. Just let me know if you want him to help you hook up with that certain someone. We can totally work something out.
(for a more mature cupid, click here)

Will you take me to Mt Olympus?
No, you take me to LA instead. I want my own Reality Show.

Which of the gods have you not slept with? Or have you slept with all of 'em?
Are you calling me a slut? Well, are you?!? Have you like even read what people are writing about you on Facebook? And you’re talking about me. Humph!

Do you discriminate based on gender or do you have love for everyone?
Everyone deserves love. Everyone! And I’ll go all wrathful on you, if you try to say anything different.

Why are you so concerned with beauty? Do you have low self-esteem issues?
Well, I’m not saying that it’s true, but I may, just might, have a few issues… What do you expect when you grow up hearing that you were created from some dude’s castrated testicles. Let’s just say I always keep a depilatory (Oh, look it up. I told you I’m not stupid) in my makeup bag.

Is Helen of Troy a descendant of yours? I mean she did create a war cause she's so gosh darn gorgeous?
What can I say? Men are fools and do foolish things around beautiful girls. But I think you already know plenty about that, don’t you? I’m totally following you on Twitter so don’t even try to deny it.

Was Helen gorgeous based on our present standards of beauty? What about you?
What’s with everyone wanting to be so skinny these days? You walk around looking like you’ve been traveling around the Aegean with Odysseus for ten years. Don’t you know girls look better with curves? Maybe you should look back to our beauty standards. I’m just saying…

Can you have someone kill someone for me?
What’s in it for me?

How do you stay young-looking? Botox? Face-lifts?
How dare you even ask!?! It’s natural, all natural. Falling in love does wonders for the skin—even after, you know, a few centuries, okay millennia.

How do you keep your boobs perky? Boob job?
A guy carves your likeness in granite—and let’s just say from that point on you work a little harder to stay in shape (push-ups, a little yoga, free weights).

Do you have a secret potion instead?
A little confidence. A lot of attitude. That’s the secret.

How come you gods lost your power or are you like a volcano, getting ready to burst?
Just because you’re not reading about us in People Magazine or on TMZ.com, doesn’t mean we’ve lost power. You think that guy’s crushing on you simply because of your charms? Give us a little credit, huh?

Do you want to stay immortal?
Wouldn’t you? I mean, you know, if you were me.

--Aphrodite, AKA Sydney Salter, author of My Big Nose & Other Natural Disasters

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Aphrodite Sydney will be giving a copy of her book My Big Nose and other Natural Disasters, and a charm bracelet to one lucky winner! This giveaway is INTERNATIONAL!

All you need to do is answer the following question: How do you stay young looking?

The winning entry will need to have creativity, execution, and by far the most important, humor. Meaning this is NOT a random giveaway. There is no limit to how much you can write or how little you need to write.

For a second chance to win, head on over to Carol's blog where you will receive a second question to answer. Please leave the answer to her question on HER blog. Only one winner will be chosen from the combined entries (meaning we will pick one winner from all the entries from both mine and her blog).

All entries (for all the giveaways) must be received, via commented or emailed, by 25th of April. Winners will be announced at the same time later that week.

Cuff Them Coppers

If Carol ever decides to kill, I am definitely hiring Beth Fantaskey!

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Why did you become a P.I. (Private Investigator)? Is it because you're very nosy?
No…I mistakenly assumed I would get to meet “Magnum, P.I.,” if I got a license.

Do you have a trained dog to sniff out the clues?
Actually, it’s a hamster with an unusually sensitive nose. I find that its little hand-like paws are good for retrieving information.

Anyway, do you wear the long coat, the hat, and those dark sunglasses or do you wear "normal"
Clothes? Hmm… I don’t really own any “normal” clothes.

Do you work at night or during the day?
It’s a 24-hour operation.

Do you own a GIANT magnifying glass?
Two – one in gold and one in silver.

Which are your fave cases: murder or fidelity ones?
Should I be dealing with either of those things? They sound intrusive and dangerous!

How many cameras do you own?
Ditto… Should I be using a camera?

Have you ever been confused with a peeping tom?
Peeping Tomasina.

Have you ever slapped someone during a interrogation?
I abhor violence! That’s the hamster’s job.

Are you the "good" one or the "bad" one?
The hamster is definitely the “bad cop.”

Are you one of those paranoid P.I.s who sleeps with a gun, tons of locks and a wicked security system in their home?
No… I took two months of martial arts, so I figure I’m covered, security-wise.

Have you ever traveled outside of the town/city to complete your job?
I never go beyond my block! Are you kidding? I only have a white belt!

If so, where have you gone?
Front yard, back yard, side yard, other side yard.

Which was your favorite place?
The back yard is my favorite, I guess. There’s a hammock there, in case I need a rest from investigating.

Killed a man or two?
No, but I can’t vouch for the hamster.

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So if her methods don't convince you to hire her, then maybe a shiny copy of her book Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side will win you over! This is an INTERNATIONAL giveaway!

All you need to do is answer the following question: What is the worst thing you have ever done to someone during a interrogation?

The winning entry will need to have creativity, execution, and by far the most important, humor. Meaning this is NOT a random giveaway. There is no limit to how much you can write or how little you need to write.

For a second chance to win, head on over to Carol's blog where you will receive a second question to answer. Please leave the answer to her question on HER blog. Only one winner will be chosen from the combined entries (meaning we will pick one winner from all the entries from both mine and her blog).

All entries (for all the giveaways) must be received, via commented or emailed, by 25th of April. Winners will be announced at the same time later that week.

Killer Shoes. Literally.

Now we have Mandy Hubbard!

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So I heard you were an ex-convict, what crimes did you commit?
Crimes of Fashion. I am always horribly dressed. I think I should be featured on WHAT NOT TO WEAR. Also, I may have stolen a few muses here and there, but I gave them all back.

Are you an assassin for hire or are you like Robin Hood, err girl version though?
I'm totally like Robin Hood. I steal pennies from the sidewalk and put it in those little change jars for charity. That counts, right?

Why are you an assassin? Who was the first person you assassinated?
Barbie. My friend broke all the legs off my toy horses so Barbie had to go. I may have decaptitated her. It was a messy affair.


How much do you charge for each kill?
It depends. Did you buy my book? I have a discount for those who buy my books. Its on a sliding scale.

Do you have a codename?
Agent Couture. You know, becuase I'm so well dressed and all.

What's the best part about your job?
Taking down the pirates. And the ninjas. And on occasion, the sparkly vampires. Don't worry though, I totally left Edward alone.

What types of weapon did you use?
I'm highly skilled with hot pink throwing stars.

Do you prefer a knife, gun, or hands or like Carol, chainsaws?
I am one of three people in the whole world that can knock someone out with a single strand of hair. It's a great party trick.

Do you use high, spiky heels to kill people?
No, I use my heels only for evasive purposes. They look exactly like the red ones on my cover, and if I trip, I can land in another time zone.

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Mandy is giving lip gloss! It's high end fashion! The lip gloss is a little round container of sugar cookie flavored lip gloss, with a sticker on the lid that has a high-heel and says "PRADA & PREJUDICE" and then "June 2009" on it.

This is an INTERNATIONAL giveaway!

All you need to do is answer the following question: So I heard you were an ex-convict, what crimes did you commit?

The winning entry will need to have creativity, execution, and by far the most important, humor. Meaning this is NOT a random giveaway. There is no limit to how much you can write or how little you need to write.

For a second chance to win, head on over to Carol's blog where you will receive a second question to answer. Please leave the answer to her question on HER blog. Only one winner will be chosen from the combined entries (meaning we will pick one winner from all the entries from both mine and her blog).

All entries (for all the giveaways) must be received, via commented or emailed, by 25th of April. Winners will be announced at the same time later that week.

Stop Making Those Googly Eyes!

Dun dun dun...Sarah Quigley aka Ms. Alien!

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Why do you probe brains?
Out of boredom, mainly. I’m awful at croquet, and teenage zombies stole my television, so brain-probing is a good way to pass the time.

Do you collect the juices to pickle your food?
I prefer to reduce the juices to create thick dipping sauces. I’m very big on dips, garnishes, and fixings (pronounced without the g).

What do you eat?
Anything I can kill, really.

Is that skin tone natural?
I wish.

How come you have long, ugly looking fingers?
Well, the answer to that is a personal matter between me and a young manicurist who once made a huge mistake and paid dearly for it.

How come your eyes are so huge?
The plastic surgeon ran out of breast implants, and I told him I wasn’t leaving without a cosmetic procedure.

What's your language called?
Braaaaaains!

Can you teach us a bit?
There’s nothing to it. Just shout “Braaaains!” as loudly as you can until you start to feel dizzy. Presto! You’re fluent.

How can you tell the difference between male and female aliens?besides the boobs (since girls can be sensitive about being flat chested)
The male aliens never ask for directions back to their home planet.

Has your race learned a method of killing roaches?
Why would we want to kill roaches? They are much more fun to eat when we can feel them crawling down our esophagi and into our stomachs.

How long has your race existed?
We’re putting out a silver edition box set next year.

Do you guys like music?
Very much.

Is techno your fave?
It has to be German techno. The Germans are the only ones who get it right.

Will you beam Sharon's cats to outer space? Or do you not like zombie cats?
I don’t pay much attention to cats, zombie or otherwise. Their brains are too small.

How long did it take you to build your UFO? What do you call it?
It took forever because of my busy brain-probing schedule. I sacrificed many evenings and weekends to complete it. It’s called Brain Vector I.

What's your favorite American food?
Creamed brains on toast

Have you met other alien species? What were they like? Are they as nice as you?
I was seeing someone from another galaxy for a while, but I broke it off when things got too serious. It [my ex] was a sweetheart, though, and I found all of its noses very attractive. It wouldn’t have been fair to lead it on, though. With all the brain-probing I have to do, I don’t have time for a committed relationship.

How many galaxies have you been to?
The number is small and pitiful.

How long does it take to travel a certain amount of distance?
It all depends on how well Brain Vector I is functioning. Lately, she’s required a few repairs that I haven’t had time to make, so we travel through space like Sunday drivers.

Is marriage between different species frowned upon?
Heavens no! I was at a beautiful interspecies wedding last week. I cried my eyes out. Literally. They were rolling all over the place.

Why are you green?
Too much spinach

Why no nose?
There’d be no room on my face for my second mouth and third eyeball, would there?

What types of organs do you have? Do you have a bladder? Lungs? Heart?
My organs are a personal matter, and I’m afraid that if I tell you about them, you’ll want to eat them.

Fave Earth shows?
I can’t get enough of The Bachelor. Human mating rituals are fascinating.

Can you travel to the sun or do you burn up and die like we do?
I go there all the time. I wrap myself in aluminum foil first. When I leave, my skin is nicely carmelized.

Is our humor and your humor the same or is the American way "rude"?
Humor is not an either/or proposition for me, but if you think Americans are rude, just visit my planet. You’ll be shocked.

Can you kill Hugh Hefner?
I don’t have time. And anyway, look at him! He’s bound to kick the bucket sooner rather than later.

Do you have child predators like we do?
No. Beings on my planet become juicier and more tender with age. The children are tough and flavorless, so nobody hunts them. The senior citizens go missing all the time, though.

Do you guys have a middle finger? How do you curse in your language? (because when first learning a new language you must learn the curses first).
We have so many fingers that it would be impossible to designate which one is in the middle. As for cursing, we shout “Braaaains!” like usual and hope that those around us pick up on our angry vibes.

What's your laugh like?
Like a jet engine, only louder.

Do you guys own clothes or are you also part of the nudist camps?
You humans and your clothes! What a waste of time and money. No one from my planet can be bothered with clothes, but the fact that we’re all naked doesn’t make us nudists, either.

Do you read Earth YA books? If so, which one did you recently read or are reading?
Absolutely! That’s some of the best reading in the universe. I greatly enjoyed Envy, the latest installment in The Luxe series by Anna Godbersen. I’m looking forward to The Season by Sarah MacLean next. Period romances are my current obsession. I just wish there were more brain-probing scenes, though. I’m having trouble identifying with the characters.

What do you think of our society's body image?
It’s similar to my own society’s. Everyone I know wants longer antennae, and some of my friends have even had surgical augmentation.

So how was writing a book that's completely different from your true language?
I had my handy pocket translator to help me. I also frequently consulted my brother, who was a high school exchange student on Earth.

Why did you have a main character who spills everything to everyone?
Because all the books coming out on my planet were about brain-eating aliens with long, ugly fingers. I wanted to try something different, set myself apart from the herd.

What is your alien name?
Fruity Candypants

Do you eat brains like Alec Baldwin does in the commercial for hulu.com?
Most certainly not. I slurp them up through my trunk.

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Sarah is giving away signed TMI bookmarks, a homemade crocheted nose warmer (her own design), and her grandma’s chocolate cake recipe (the best!).

This is an INTERNATIONAL giveaway!

All you need to do is answer the following question: How many galaxies have you been to? And can you describe them?

The winning entry will need to have creativity, execution, and by far the most important, humor. Meaning this is NOT a random giveaway. There is no limit to how much you can write or how little you need to write.

For a second chance to win, head on over to Carol's blog where you will receive a second question to answer. Please leave the answer to her question on HER blog. Only one winner will be chosen from the combined entries (meaning we will pick one winner from all the entries from both mine and her blog).

All entries (for all the giveaways) must be received, via commented or emailed, by 25th of April. Winners will be announced at the same time later that week.

Want To Step In The Ring?

This time it's Sarah Ockler! Be prepare to pee in your pants.

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So I hear that before you were an author you had a job for WWE. Is that true?
Well... not officially. Here's the thing. I kept trying out, but I never made it past the auditions. I wasn't "strong" enough, they said. Not enough "muscle" they said. Strong? Muscle? Whatevs! Well I showed them. For six weeks I dressed up like the janitor, snuck in the back way, changed into my costume in the supply closet, and squeezed myself right into the lineup. Eventually one of the other Divas discovered my scam and ratted me out, the police were involved, very messy ending, etc.

The good news is that the restraining order expires next month, so I can audition again! *Crosses fingers!*

What was your stage name?
The Write Hook

Your secret technique?
I threw the book at them. Literally!

Your worst outfit?
Definitely the janitor duds. Shapeless olive green jumpsuit and cap.
Skulking about in the smelly garbage room. *So* not flattering.

Did you like those cute costumes?
Oh I <3 Bikinis or tights?
Both.

Booty shorts or leather pants?
Whatever was on hand. I mean, since I wasn't *technically* supposed to be there, I didn't have an official costume. I had to improvise. A lot. Usually I just dug through my old Halloween costumes until I found something that worked. So there was Bat Girl WWE Diva, which had leather pants. Madonna Diva, booty shorts. Strawberry Shortcake Diva, red and white striped tights. You get the idea.

What about boa feathers?
Boa feather pants? Hmmm. Not sure how that would work but I'd keep an open mind and give it a try.

Your muscle mass?
Erm, is this like some sort of religious thing?

Do you have a six pack?
Sure, but it's more like a 12-pack. A kind of bendy, sideways 12-pack.

Body slam or slamming with a chair?
If the book wasn't around, I'd give 'em the chair for sure.

Do you like to give the crowd a bit of some love before you perform?
Nah, I'm more the silent brooding intellectual type. I like to keep a bit of mystery about me - keep 'em guessing.

The Rock or John Cena?
The Rock, as in Alcatraz? Hey, it was only a restraining order. It's like they *arrested* me or anything. Man, people can be so judgmental!

Wrestling a woman or a man?
Man. Women are way too catty. They'll cut you, those girls!

Tag team or alone?
I prefer to fly solo.

Will you beat up Yan for me? (This was Carol's question!)
Hmmm. I guess I could squeeze back into the leather pants and give hera run around the ring for you. More just to scare her than to hurt her, though. Would that work?

Who do you think you can beat at wrestling?
Babies. I can totally win against babies. They're all "goo goo ga ga la la la blurp blurp eeee" and then BAM! They never see it coming.

Have you ever mud wrestled? was it fun?
This one time, at band camp... I mean, never mind. No. No I did NOT mud wrestle, and you shouldn't either! *cough*

Why did you quit?
I didn't want to, but the whole restraining order thing made it impossible. *Sigh*

Anything else you want to the add?
The life of a WWE Diva is rough and tumble, but if you're determined, persistent, slightly crazy, and willing to engage in a little shadiness to get in there, you, too, can make your dreams come true inside the ring!

XO

Sarah "The Write Hook" Ockler

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Sarah is giving away an ARC of her debut book Twenty Boy Summer (which I heard was fab-u!). This is a Canada and US giveaway only!

All you need to do is answer the following question: What is your stage name and your secret technique?

The winning entry will need to have creativity, execution, and by far the most important, humor. Meaning this is NOT a random giveaway. There is no limit to how much you can write or how little you need to write.

For a second chance to win, head on over to Carol's blog where you will receive a second question to answer. Please leave the answer to her question on HER blog. Only one winner will be chosen from the combined entries (meaning we will pick one winner from all the entries from both mine and her blog).

All entries (for all the giveaways) must be received, via commented or emailed, by 25th of April. Winners will be announced at the same time later that week.

Run Or She'll Kill You!

Run for your lives! Cindy Pon the killer clown has arrived!

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What made you become a killer clown?
Because that's what all clowns do.

What's your clown name?
Cavorting cupcake

What type of make up do you use?
Organic fruit juices. sometimes raw eggs.

What color wig?
Purple, of course.

Do you wear the ridiculous red nose?
I am blessed naturally with one!

Where do you get your fugly costumes from?
My grandma in the attic hand sews and beads and bedazzles all of my wondrous costumes. *twirls*

How long does it take you to get into your full costume?
I am NEVER out of costume. Except when I visit the doctor every 3.6 years.

Do you wear the giant shoes?
I have GIANT TOES so yes, I wear the giant shoes.

Do you own a fake flower that shoots water? What about those annoying hand buzzers?
I'm starting to become a little offended. I mean, I'm a professional clown. OF COURSE I have all these things. I also have a whoopee cushion permanently attached to my giant rump!

Do you hide your weapons behind props like your fake flower?
Inside my giant purple hair is the best spot.

How do you choose your next victim? Is it the most annoying kid?
*looks at you quietly*

Do you like to get a bunch of them and give them a riddle and whoever gets it wrong, dies?
What? Where are you hearing this kind of clown slander from? Nobody dies, as long as they follow the rules and answer the riddles. And stay away from rain gutters. nobody ever dies.

What do you use the balloons for? Do you feed them to the kids so they can choke on them?
Nah. I'm just addicted to helium.

Do you use pies hide poison in them? If so, do you make them yourself? Fave flavor?
I bake all my own pies! No poison! I am a friendly clown! My favorite flavors are SEA URCHIN and CHICKEN FEET savory pies. some may argue that that is poison itself. I would say there is no accounting for taste.

Can you kill Yan for me, please?
*squirts lethal gas at Yan with whoopee cushion*

Are you a con-artist as well? What about a pickpocket--are you one of them? Do you belong in a clown mafia? If so, what's your rank?
I work on my own. Everyone else just messes up my game. My title : CAVORTING CUPCAKE CLOWN CUEEN (that's pronounced like QUEEN--in case you were too dumb to figure it out. =)

Do you know of a clown named Buzzy down by the bridge?
Buzzy was made redundant two months ago.

What kind of car do you use for a fast getaway? Can it really fit all those clowns?
I drive a banana polka-dotted beetle.

Did you attend a clown camp? Or was this a family business?
I do not need "clown camp". *snorts* All my clown talents are god given. It runs in the blood, it does.

How do you dispose of the body?
*looks down at Yan*

I never do that part. =) I just run away fast.

Do you kill pets as well? If so, can you kill Sharon's cats?
Oh my. NEVER! I love animals! =D

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Cindy is giving away a copy of her book Silver Phoenix, which I know many of you really want! This is an INTERNATIONAL giveaway!

All you need to do is answer the following question: What's your clown name?

The winning entry will need to have creativity, execution, and by far the most important, humor. Meaning this is NOT a random giveaway. There is no limit to how much you can write or how little you need to write.

For a second chance to win, head on over to Carol's blog where you will receive a second question to answer. Please leave the answer to her question on HER blog. Only one winner will be chosen from the combined entries (meaning we will pick one winner from all the entries from both mine and her blog).

All entries (for all the giveaways) must be received, via commented or emailed, by 25th of April. Winners will be announced at the same time later that week.

EDIT: Cindy is also giving away some bookmarks to the runner-up!