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Win a copy of Nobody and Every Other Day by Jennifer Lynn Barnes (ends 2/20)

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Serving Up Some Class

Whoops! Last minute request from Kelsey to be interviewed by Crazy Squared!
How old where you when you become a pervy cafeteria lady?
I never even left High School. I got a job at my school right after I graduated. I've always been a okay cooker . . .

What is your degree name?
I don't have a degree. I don't think there is one. School's don't care if you can cook or not. They'll hire anyone.

Do you consider bras a side dish or a main dish?
No, you don't eat them in one, you have to cook them with something else. My favorite is an omelet. Chop them up like ham and put them in with cheese. Yummy!

Are the bra's new or used?
Both. Most are ones I buy at Goodwill though. They have more flavor if they are new. And if they haven't been washed it's the best because the sweat is still there and more tasty! I also don't like to get the ones with the wires. Too much trouble to get them prepared.

Do you have a preference between polka dots or plain ones?
I LOVE polka dot ones. Plain ones are boring. As long as they have a pattern I'm good. But I really like colors. Black and white are so boring. I love the lime green and electric blue and hot pink multi-colored ones. My favorite!

Do you serve your bra?
Me? I don't wear bras! I just eat them! Duh!

Size preference?
I like the smaller ones because they fit in the meals better. The big ones are okay, and sometimes they get more sweat on them, but they are hard to hide in meals.

How do you prepare these bras?
Dipping them in butter will work with anything, but sometimes you have to marinate them over night to taste just right. I don't like working with big ones because they aren't easy to cut. But when I do I sometimes chop them up and if I can, I put them in the blender with what they will be in.

How long does it take the janitor to take your bra off?
You can make your own assumptions on that.

What is the janitor's name?
Fisnik Bora. He's Albania. It means Noble Snow. Cool, huh?

Do you use the cups as bowls?
Off course! Whenever I can get away with it, I like to use them for mac n' cheese! I wish I could use them for soup, but they usually leak . . .

Do you prefer the strapless ones or the ones with straps?
The strapless ones are nice, but with the ones with straps you can put them in the spaghetti.

Push-ups or regular?
I like the extra padding in the push-ups. They are great in sandwiches. The other ones are good in like soup and casseroles.

What is your mystery "surprise"?
It wouldn't be a mystery if I told you, now would it?

Do you have a mole?
Mole! That's absurd! It's a beauty mark.

Why do you mix the chili and the cheese? It looks like puke, ya'know.
To hide the bras in there so the other lunch ladies don't get suspicious. Puke? That's nonsense, you probably haven't even tasted it. It's delicious.

Do you chop up the bras before serving?
Sometimes. It depends on the food I'm serving them in.

What are the calories for them?
You know? I'm not so sure. Why don't you look it up for me sometime?

Which type of students do you like to flirt with? Jock? Nerdy? Goth..etc?
Hmm....I like the nerdy ones the best. They are so inexperienced. It makes it more fun. Plus any guy who reads turns me on.

Do you serve cheap $1 store kinds or sexy Victoria Secret ones?
Victoria Secret is too expensive on my salary. But if I get a raise, I'll be sure to start buying them there. The lace gives a better crunch.

What made you serve bras?
My dog ate one of mine once when I was 14 and it looked really good. I kept it out of my mind for a few years and one time I just decided to try it. Before long all my bras were in my stomach. Then I got this job, and viola! It was "The Perfect" job.

Are you the head lunch lady or do you just dump them in the pots on the sly?
The latter.

What are the reactions from the students who get the bras?
They have no clue because they taste so goooood. And if they do know, they don't care because they do taste good, y'know.

Do you keep them in the fridge? Or your bust? I keep them in a fanny pack under my apron. It's easier to hide them and slip them in sekritly.

Do the guys use them as slingshots or do they put them on and practice taking them off?
Neither. They really like the protein. If they even tried to use them, it wouldn't work because they would get, say, chili and cheese on themselves.
Kelsey is giving away a copy of Perfect Chemistry OR an ARC of Beautiful Americans! This is a US only giveaway!

Answer this question to be entered: What is your mystery "surprise"?

[Insert criteria blah blah]


  1. My mystery surprise is some chapstick. I mean, really, you put it on your lips all the time and you know you're licking it off then, so why not just stick it in the food and add a little strawberry burst or kiwi-lime surprise? It helps the extra bland foods, and the girls just kill for the really fun flavors. As for the boys, if they can handle the bras, they're good for anything girl related. :)


  2. Mystery surprise? I'm going to go with pickles. I mean, how would you not be excited if you were chowing along, eating your way through a nice cherry pie or coffee yogurt, and you suddenly found yourself munching on a nice, tangy pickle. Instant food improvement? I think so!

  3. my mystery surprise is that I use all the socks that people think get lost in the dryer to add a little something extra to the mystery meat.

  4. I just stumbled in here and this post strikes me as very off the wall. I'm not quite sure what to make of it, but it did make me laugh, so I wanted to say HI. :)

  5. This is hilarious!

    My mystery surprise... oh dear. I really only like pleasant surprises, so I would have to go with that body wash (I think it's by Philosophy...?) that is sort of edible. It will not only add some fantastic fruity or sweet flavoring to a dish, but enhance the smell as well. :)

  6. The mystery surprise around me is always hair. No matter what I do, I'm always leaving long, curly hair in everything. And I'm not even going bald!

  7. Well, first off I don't like revealing my secrets. I have them for a reason, and have several mysteries involving my food - but I will let you in on one.

    I love serving Anchovies. They are the forgotten fish. They are nice and salty, and with just a little tang.

    I dont chop them up, I just toss them in whenever I feel the need. Salads, lasagnia, Burgers, all of these things have had a whole fish in them before.

    Caseroles (though I think they are overated) are the best places to put my anchovies...and all of my other secret surprises...but those could put the FDA on my tail...and that would not be a good thing.


  8. Its supposed to be a surprise! I usually wouldn't tell anyone but....

    My mystery surprise is cut pages of books. In fact, one of my favorites to use is "The Season" by Sarah MacLean. I cut up all the different pages of the book, stick them in the delicious fruit cake (recipe from grandma!), and then the person eating the fruit cake collects the different book page pieces, puts them together like a puzzle, and walla! They have a brand new book to read!! Pretty nifty, huh?

    Now..be sure to keep my "surprise" a secret!!


  9. My mystery surprise ia almond extract. I put it in all of my baked goods and especially my pancake batter! It makes everything taste so much sweeter and I get a lot of compliments on it!


  10. I never tell anyone my mystery "surprise"! I will however comment that this is one of the most disturbing interviews I've ever seen!

  11. HAH! :) Mine is lima beans. I despise them, but hey, they're good for you.

  12. My secret ingredient? Lace panties. I mean seriously, bras already taste so very yummy. But mixed with lace panties? It's like tasting HEAVEN. But I can only use really small amounts in my dishes since they're so darn expensive. But I love them, because they add so much flavor! Red ones add a strawberry taste to it, blue ones add blueberry flavor, yellow a banana flavor... Oh boy, you can just imagine the deliciousness!

  13. Muahahahaha. The mystery meat is my "surprise." But it's not the secret ingredient (*more maniacal laughter*) that is the surprise. It's what happens to you when you figure out what it is. Then I'll kindly offer you a tour of our state-of-the-art freezer.

    One clue to the secret ingredient: Soylent Green.

    *Evil crazed laughter and cafeteria lady breath*

    paradoxrevealed (at) aim (dot) com

  14. My mystery surprise is crying. Adults are usually suckers for this and works every time. Especially when the good girl goes bad...

  15. My real mystery surprise is stuper top secret but the one I'm allowed to tell you is....PINEAPPLES! They come with those fun things to core them and you can have fun planting them and they're fun shapes and they taste nummy and they go on pizza and....and the last bit's a surprise, obviously!

  16. What is your mystery "surprise"?
    I'll tell you...but you can't tell anyone! ;)

    Ripped pages out of books! While making a pie or batch of bookies, I just tear off some pages and put it inside! That way, when the person starts eating, they find lots of pages out of a great book. By the time they're done eating, they have all the pages to a book!